Ascending From Madness Read online

  I was falling. Crashing through glass, the fragments spraying out. I couldn’t see it, but I felt my end coming.

  “Alice! Fight her!” His gravelly voice tried to reach for me, but nothing stopped my fall into the darkness.

  My lids bolted open with a gasp from my lungs, my body jolting with the imaginary impact. My eyes only took in utter blackness. The kind so deep you lost yourself in the absence of light, your mind desperately trying to make shapes out of nothing.

  Dread bubbled up a cry at the back of my throat. I clamped my jaw together, holding the frightened whimper back. Was I awake? Was this still my nightmare?

  My fingers dug into my leg to feel pain, to know I still existed. The cold stone ground crept through the thin layer of fabric I wore, stealing heat away from my body. Huddled in a tight ball against the wall, my muscles ached from being cramped up. I wanted to move, to stretch out my legs, but I couldn’t move, my body too weak to shift.

  This wasn’t like when my sister dragged me out for a long run, working me so hard I’d come home and pass out on my bed the rest of the day. My energy was beyond depleted; Jessica had drained me of my essence. Seized a piece of me. I recalled everything up to when she injected me, then it got muddled and really bizarre. Whatever she gave me totally messed with my head, creating dreams with talking creatures and odd questions about stepping through mirrors.

  And him.

  The man’s voice still vibrated my body, the raw need and power in it, as if he were trying to push through my dreams into reality.

  I hadn’t seen him, but it was Matt’s face and voice I felt in every nuance of the dream. Even here he haunted me. Not that I minded, though thinking of him and the idea I might never see him again was torture. He was the one slice of happiness in this place. The one thing they couldn’t take from me.

  Fight her.

  Maybe I was insane in thinking he had reached through all logic and reality and tried to contact me in my dreams. To give me strength. Tell me not to give up.

  Anyone would say I was speaking through my subconscious. It was probably why I was truly crazy because even now, I could feel him. Like a ghost hovering around me, he kept me company in the lightless pit deep in the basement. Did he see what happened to me? Did he care? Did he think about me and wonder how I was?

  Every minute, Ms. Liddell. Every. Fucking. Second. I heard his voice in my head, knowing I was just trying to make myself feel better. For one moment I let myself believe he could hear and feel me too. We had this connection which transcended everything.

  I must have drifted for a moment because the clunk of the door lurched me awake. Scrambling to sit up, which used all the energy I had, I pressed my back into the wall as the door opened, the shrill squeak of the hinges making me cringe. My lids narrowed, turning my head. The dull light from the hall pierced my eyes.

  “Only two days here and already two days in the hole.” Pepper Mint clicked her tongue, tsking me. Her thin shadowy outline stood in the door with her arms crossed. “I’m not surprised. You are wicked to the core. A rebel. You deserve to be punished for defying her Majes—Mrs. Winters.” She cleared her throat.

  I blinked, too tired to think about what she was going to say. Staring at Nurse Peppermint Stick, I watched her pointy face curl up with a snarl. She wore light gray scrubs, which only bleached out her pale face.

  “Get up. It’s breakfast.”

  “I need a shower.” My shaky legs pushed me up the wall to stand. I knew Jessica had taken a lot of blood from me as I slept. It was violating, making me feel dirty.

  “Well, once again, you are too late. We stick to a strict schedule here.” She stepped back from the door. “Now move.”

  Weakly, I followed her upstairs, begging for at least a bathroom break.

  “Fine.” She huffed in front of a restroom near the cafeteria. “Hurry.”

  Slipping in, I took care of business, then went to the sink to wash my hands and face, my skin itching to be scrubbed.

  A frown creased my brow as I stared at the wall.

  Blank.

  No mirrors.

  For a flash, I was staring at another wall. Rustic wood paneling, a bronze sink. Warm and comfortable, but mirrorless. I blinked and it was gone. The cruel fluorescent light above my head buzzed and flickered with a cold detachment, the icy snow tile lay in front of me.

  Squeezing my lids, I bent over, splashing cold water over my face, trying to rid myself of the strange vision. It felt so real. Like I had really been standing there. Somehow I knew a walk-in shower, a large tub, and a shelf filled with toiletries were behind me. It wasn’t an assumption. I knew the fluffiness of the towels, the different-colored stone tiles in the shower.

  “Fuck a toaster strudel.” I leaned on the sink.

  “Hurry up!” Nurse Mint pounded on the door.

  Wiping my face with a paper towel and brushing back my loose tangled hair, I left the bathroom, the strange dreams hovering at the back of my head.

  Mirrors.

  Why did I dream she asked me about walking through them? A sensation tugged at the back of my mind at the notion they didn’t have any here. Now that I thought about it, there were not any.

  “Why aren’t there mirrors here?” I caught up with her.

  “What?” She wrinkled her nose at me.

  “Mirrors. Isn’t it odd to not have one in a bathroom?”

  “No. They only encourage vanity. You need to fix what’s on the inside, not worry about the outside.” Her glare rolled down me. “Like you need more reason to stare at yourself. Or figure them out.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Better hurry, you barely have ten minutes before breakfast is over.” She tapped her watch.

  Thinking it was safer to not engage with the Mint Stick, I shuffled into the cafeteria, getting what was left of the breakfast: glue-looking oatmeal, a banana, and coffee. I glared at the bottle of peppermint syrup. I hated everything peppermint now.

  The same small man I saw the day before refilled his cup with just the sweet liquid, rolling his eyes in ecstasy when he sipped it.

  “You really need to try some.” He held the cup up to my face. “It’s delicious. Try it.”

  “No,” I growled, staring at the innocent-looking flavoring.

  “A drug she’s been pumping into their water for years, making them no better than zombies. You think all those people agree with her? She can only control one at a time. This is her way of keeping her minions in line.” The thought came out of nowhere, but once again I knew someone had told me this, that it wasn’t me making it up.

  The wild dreams, the mirror… this. It poked into my skin like a splinter, irritating me and causing me to be even more restless.

  “You should stop drinking it,” I muttered to him before heading to a table. On my first bite, a figure dropped next to me, knocking into my hip.

  “Hey, Not-Alice.” Bea’s shoulder hit mine, knocking the spoon from my mouth. “I see you are trying to climb out of the hole.”

  A snarl vibrated through my teeth, irritation spiking at her abrasive intrusion. “Not Alice?” I glanced over at her. What did she mean I was trying to climb out of the hole? I was out. Sitting next to her, trying to eat.

  Bea’s cute little heart-shaped face was abruptly in mine, her nose crunched up against my own, her eyes going back and forth between mine.

  “What the hell?” I jerked back, her intense brown eyes still digging into me.

  “Nope. She’s still not there.”

  “Who?”

  “You, silly.” She giggled wildly.

  Keebler elf… She was seriously crazy.

  Without warning she lurched forward, her forehead bumping into mine, her demeanor going serious. “She’s trying,” she whispered. “Let go… she wants to come out, Not-Alice. She’s the one with the story. This is just intermission. But the curtain’s going up, the stage is set. And you are the understudy for the real Alice. A brilliant star in the battle for it all
. Full of muchness.”

  Muchness.

  “What did you say?” Cold sweat lined the back of my neck.

  “Bea!” Nurse Green yelled across the room, jerking our attention to her. “What have we said?”

  “That I’m a mindless puck.” She covered her mouth, snickering with naughtiness.

  Nurse Green turned a deep shade of purple. “We told you to leave her alone. Not to talk or go near her. You disobeyed.” She pointed to the doorway. “Go to your time-out space.”

  Bea laughed, jumping up from the table, leaning into my ear, her little hands clutching my shoulder. “They think it’s punishment. But it’s my asylum in a madhouse. It’s all about perspective,” she sang in my ear as two guy nurses I didn’t know rushed for Bea. “Time to wake up, Not-Alice. Let sanity go, and everything will make so much more sense.”

  “Shut up. Now,” one of the orderlies demanded, grabbing her. Both wrapped hands around her arms, dragging her out as her fevered laughter followed her down the hall.

  Gaping at the empty doorway, my mind reeled with everything she said. Most of me wanted to think she was nuts and forget about it, but instead, it hung on me like heavy ornaments on a flimsy tree, drooping and weighing my shoulders down.

  A plastic cup full of pills dropped down next to me. I peered up into Noel’s amber eyes. Against his dark skin, they bloomed bright with a translucent yellow color. Emotionless, he nodded to the cup.

  “You have a free hour before therapy. I got permission to take you outside for a walk.”

  I felt like a dog with a leash who was being let out to pee. He held up a winter coat he’d been holding, tossing it on the bench. It was mine, the one they peeled from my body when I first arrived here.

  “Really?” I lifted my brow. “I thought that was only reserved for the good little girls and boys.”

  Noel grunted and swung around, striding for the exit.

  Hopping off the bench, I grabbed the coat. Pills in one hand, coffee in the other, I jogged after him, not wanting to miss a chance to go out into the sun. I didn’t care if snow covered the ground. The need to feel the rays hit my face and the cold temperature crash against my skin was too much.

  “Take your pills,” he shot over his shoulder.

  My gaze slid to the garbage can we were passing, and identical to yesterday, I twisted for the camera, giving my profile, while I pretended to down the medication, swigging it down with coffee. I dumped them in the trash with my cup and pulled on the one thing here that was mine. I stepped out into the cold winter sun, feeling a moment of peace for the first time since I got here.

  If I’d realized what was ahead, I would have enjoyed it a bit more, knowing it would be my last.

  The sun stroked my skin softly, the cold nipping at my nose and cheeks, clipping my lungs, but it felt magnificent. Alive. Free. Not a patient in an insane asylum, but a normal girl enjoying the minimal warmth of the winter sun.

  It was the first time I really got to see the front of the building. Built with dark stone, the two wings stretched off the main building in the center, spires reaching for the sky. Beautiful, but something was haunting and scary about it. It reminded me of a 1900s sanitarium, which was used a lot back in the day. Hospitals for incurable diseases, disabilities, or for those with problems who didn’t fit into society’s norm and turned insane inside these walls.

  Noel stayed close but let me wander, checking out the extensive grounds. They were gorgeous. Lightly sprinkled in snow, the landscape had me wondering if at one time it had to be some wealthy person’s personal estate. The gardens held a large hedge maze, fountains, and perfectly manicured bushes and lawns. A huge rose garden was on one side, which in spring had to be lovely.

  I was instantly drawn to the maze. Mazes held mystery and intrigue, like anything could happen within its walls. I did have the fantasy of being the girl wearing some gorgeous old-fashioned dress, running through the maze, laced with fog and darkness, brewing a slight eeriness to it. Playing a kinky game of hide-and-seek with my lover, who frightened me as much as attracted me.

  Clearly, I watched and read too many romantic fantasies. Besides that, I wasn’t normally all that girly. Not that there was anything wrong with it, but I had never been an overly hopeless romantic in real life. No, I was just hopeless.

  “Are we being watched out here?” I muttered to Noel, my boots sinking in the snow as I trudged closer to the maze.

  “We are always being watched,” he replied, keeping his head straight. “Eyes are everywhere.”

  “Can they hear us?”

  “No. Not here,” he said, so low I barely heard him. “But never let your guard down.”

  I swallowed, my bluntness jumping off my tongue.

  “Can I trust you?”

  His silence danced in the freezing air, dangling in front of me like a carrot. One that was probably poisonous, but I took a bite anyway.

  He rolled his jaw. “Don’t trust anyone.”

  “You’ve helped me. Why?”

  He stayed quiet so long I figured I wouldn’t get a response.

  “Because the tide is changing.” His eyes darted back to the building. “And I recognize the part you will play in this battle.” He halted, his voice going even lower. “Until it is time, keep your head down. I can only do so much. Listen. Learn. She will not be easy to defeat.” He turned around and started strolling back to the building.

  My forehead wrinkled at his odd statement, though his choice of words was similar to Bea’s.

  About to follow him, a noise wrenched my neck back to the opening of the maze. The hedges were so tall they blocked out the low sun, shadowing the path.

  “Alice…” My name hissed through the branches of the foliage. A red light glowed deep in the maze, outlining the large form of a man.

  With antlers.

  Fear gripped my lungs, but my feet inched forward, feeling this strange pull.

  “Hurry. Time is ticking. Alice, you are her.” The form disappeared down the path, slipping behind the bushes.

  “W-wait,” I croaked, darting into the maze, curving around the corner where I saw him.

  Empty.

  Whirling around, I searched the space for the humongous form. No crunching of snow under foot, not a wisp of movement or sound.

  He simply vanished. As if I conjured him up.

  You probably did.

  My hand went through my hair, rubbing my head. It was the deer-man; I knew it. The one I had seen in a hallucination before. The one thing with my visions, I kept seeing the same creatures over and over.

  A penguin.

  Elves.

  A reindeer.

  A hare.

  Even a snowman.

  Like Christmas had decided to haunt me, bringing in ghosts, not from my past, but from my delusional mind, to torture me. Like Ebenezer Scrooge. I laughed to myself.

  A tightness strangled my throat, the humor dying away instantly. The name sitting on my ribcage like a block. My hand went to my chest, lungs pumping up and down as I tried to swallow.

  “He asked me to—reached for me—and I followed.”

  “Who, Alice? Say his name.”

  “Scrooge.”

  The blurry memory fluttered in my head from my session with Jessica, suddenly feeling it was not a dream at all. Every warped colorful fragment fit into my head like a puzzle.

  Say it again. Say it out loud. My mind ordered me; it needed me to vocalize it. I swallowed nervously, feeling I was opening a gate that would let out a storm. Changing everything.

  “Scrooge.” It came out soft, timid.

  Say it again.

  “Scrooge.” I let the name pass over my tongue with more strength, feeling a truth in it I didn’t quite understand. The name felt more real to me than my own, not as an iconic name associated with the holiday season, but a real man.

  Matt Hatter.

  He was who I saw. Matt with a top hat… and a tattoo on his chest. My fingers had traced it. Knew
the feel of the inked lines under my fingertips. A teapot scrolled with “It’s always tea time” pouring into an upturned top hat, with a red scarf dangling off it, identical to the sketches I did with fervent repetition.

  “Oh god.” Frantic breaths puffed out of my mouth, my body bending over. Why was I so sure he had a tattoo and knew how his skin felt? I had never seen Matt’s chest. Was I so far into my insanity I was making things up? Taking his image and inserting him into my wild illusions?

  “Alice!” Noel’s voice cut through the bushes. “Time’s up. Let’s go.”

  Gulping in more oxygen, I straightened up, my head feeling like a washing machine, thoughts, feelings, and images blending and bleeding together.

  I had destroyed my family and ripped apart my life with my hallucinations—but this was the first time I felt truly crazy.

  It’s about time, Alice, a voice curled through my head. Fall into madness… it’s the only way to climb out.

  Chapter 14

  Staring out the window of my room, the snow glittered under the moonlight. A weight rested in the air, a peculiar vibe which tingled against my skin. I could feel it. The calm before the storm, the earth holding its breath, waiting for the snow heading our way.

  The full moon felt like an omen, creating a tension, pulling me out to the maze. Edgy and agitated, I wanted to leap out of my skin, slip through the bars and soar away.

  Following Noel’s advice, I kept my head down the rest of the day. It helped I hadn’t had a “session” with Jessica. I kept to myself, pretending to read a book while I watched the orderlies. They still berated me when they could, but when bedtime came around, I found myself in a single bed instead of the hole for the first time. Yet I couldn’t sleep any better here. I missed my family so much, but it was more than that. A gap existed in my heart, as if I missed people I didn’t even know.

  Lack of sleep and food was deteriorating my mind. And I no longer knew if I was truly mentally unstable or not, if I was so far gone visions and reality were one and the same.

  “Only the insane are so sure of their sanity,” I muttered to myself, pressing my hand against the glass.