Ascending From Madness Page 19

  All was quiet except for our heavy breathing. The world felt alive, not like the vacuum we’d been in. The wind snapped at the trees and howled over the hill. We didn’t move. Dazed and overwhelmed, our chests moved together as we gasped for air.

  “Fudge nuggets.” I blinked up at him, his gaze going back and forth between my eyes, heavy and full of awareness.

  I. Remembered. Everything.

  We stepped through the door, our memories waiting for us on the other side as our reward. We had won the twisted game. Gotten out. Lived.

  All my memories flooded back. My life here, on earth, what we had gone through, the torture, Hare, Dee, Dum, Pen, Rudy, and every delicious detail of Scrooge.

  “You saved me again, Ms. Liddell.” Slowly he cupped my face, heat and knowledge blinking behind his eyes. Life fully bloomed behind his eyes. “I’m beginning to feel I’m the damsel in distress.”

  His body engulfed mine, his weight and erection hot and heavy on me. His skin hummed with savageness. If anything, I felt like the prey, not the savior.

  Willing prey.

  “If I’d known you were gonna be such a pain in my ass...” My mouth pinched on the side coyly.

  “I can certainly be that… if that’s how you want to be thanked.” He lifted an eyebrow, his head leaning down, his breath fluttering against my neck.

  “Oh really?” My fingers brushed his lips, skating down his neck to his tattoo. “I’ll add it to the list of how you should express your gratitude, but I think normally the grateful damsel kisses the hero first.”

  A wicked grin twitched his mouth, his hands cupping my face, then lowering.

  “Bah, humbug,” he whispered against my lips before his mouth covered mine, kissing me so deeply, I could feel it vibrate through my bones. His mouth moved fiercely, his tongue stroking mine, and I retaliated back with the same hunger, lust consuming me in a gulp. Our hands were groping and touching each other like we needed to make sure we were there and real.

  We needed to deal with so much. Jessica could be right on our heels, but when I got around him, I couldn’t seem to stop.

  “Shit.” He hissed, breaking away with a sigh, the stronger one out of the two of us. “Our timing...”

  “It fuckin’ sucks.” I bit down, trying to rein in my need. I knew it wasn’t the time, but dammit, would it ever be? “It’s as if I keep getting coal in my stocking.”

  “I know mine is painfully loaded right now,” he muttered, sitting back, his weight and heat instantly missed, making me feel cold even though this place wasn’t.

  He sat for a moment, lines wrinkling his forehead, his cheek flinching, as if more memories were being dumped on him. He took a breath, rubbing his hand over the tattoo on his chest. “Fuck,” he whispered under his breath, a streak of agony running over his features. It was a blink, but I felt a wall slip down around him. “Fuck.” His hand continued to rub his tattoo, his lids shutting.

  Tim. Belle. I could see their spirits circle him, take the joy he just held and twist it with grief and guilt.

  “We have to get back.” He stood, reaching out for me, his voice all business, gaze not meeting mine.

  “I know.” I took his hand, standing and brushing the snow off my clothes. He strode over, picked up the box, and pointed himself down the path away from this horrible place.

  The images of our friends, the ones who had been haunting me on earth for so long, my conscience working hard to tell me the things I thought were crazy were the sanest: Hare, Dee, Dum, Penguin, Rudolph, and even naked Nick.

  They waited for us.

  Our last hope was in that package, ready to be delivered to the one who had the power to save us all.

  Chapter 26

  Scrooge led the way back to the cabin, knowing the area a lot better than I did. He didn’t look back once, the barrier between us growing thicker. The change from when he kissed me to a few moments after was a wall of his making. His ghosts. His self-loathing.

  My boots stepped into the prints he forged in front of me, the snow sometimes hitting our knees. Back in perpetual night, the moon lit our way through the pine trees, which grumbled and spat at us but weren’t as violent as the ones on the other side of the mountain.

  Sleep. Food. Sex. Alcohol. Shower. Longing for each, I no longer cared in what order.

  “Did Jessica say anything?” He switched the box to the other hand, sliding the ribbon around his fingers, letting it dangle at his side. “Do you know anything she might be planning now?” Scrooge huffed, using our walk to catch up on everything that happened. His transformation felt strangely seamless. Matt Hatter to Scrooge. He was Matt on Earth, but here he was all Scrooge. So many things he and I had been feeling and fighting on earth made sense now. Especially our attraction to each other.

  The Land of the Lost and Broken might have stolen our memories, but it didn’t take away the magnetic pull to the other. The unexplainable connection that bonded us no matter if we remembered.

  At least for me. Not sure he felt the same or wanted to now. And all I kept hearing was Jessica’s voice repeating, “You are the one who will end up taking Timothy away. And he will hate you for it. Either way I win.”

  “I know she wanted me alive to keep the door open, planning to come in and kill Santa, then shut the door permanently, ending Winterland for good.” What would that do to my world? Belief, magic, and hope lost even to children? How horrific would our world become with no good will left on earth?

  “Yeah, well, her key just slipped through her fingers.” Scrooge crested the top of another hill, his muscular chest moving up and down, swallowing down air. “Her game will be changing.”

  My fingers itched to caress his skin, to trace every inch with both my fingers and my tongue, to shatter the barrier he was trying to put between us.

  “Alice?” His gravelly voice popped my head up.

  “What?” Was he talking to me?

  “Stop looking at me like that,” his voice warned, but his gaze rolled down my body, pulsing desire through my veins.

  “Then you stop that.” I motioned to him like his abs were purposely taunting me.

  “Jesus.” He rolled his fists into balls, his hand knotting in the ribbon. “What is it with you? You are my hell…”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  He gritted his teeth.

  “Tell me. I’m sick of the silent treatment. Do you blame me?”

  “Alice…”

  “No. Tell me! Don’t push me away.”

  Dropping the present, he swiveled on me, looming over, his shoulders rigid with tension.

  “I remember everything.” His nose flared, anger bristling under his skin. “All of it.”

  “So do I.”

  “Every hellish, horrific deed. Even the ones I even pushed down, locking away.” He pushed forward, driving me backward. “You wanted to know how many women I’ve been with since my wife?” His teeth gritted, his face only an inch from mine. “None.”

  “Wh-what?”

  “I died with them.” He growled. “Nothing was left of me. My group was the only thing keeping me alive. At least technically.” He lifted his wrists, showing barely visible scars sliced over them. “You think I haven’t wanted to join them ever since. I’ve tried every way possible, but Jessica cursed me. I couldn’t die by my own hand, forced to live with the pain of what I did, their screams for me. The look in my wife’s eyes as the guillotine sliced down on her neck. The trust and love in my son’s face when I gave him pure holly drops because I knew he wouldn’t be able to fight what Jessica would do to him. He had been slowly dying since birth. Sick and in chronic pain so long, his body was giving out. He wanted to go, begged me over and over to let him sleep forever. He was in so much agony. Exhausted all the time, he couldn’t play like a child or leave the house because of his immunity. But Belle and I couldn’t let him go. We selfishly wanted to keep him forever, no matter how he felt about it.”

  Scrooge raged like lightning
slashing over the sky, gasping through the agony. “I wanted it painless for him. To be unaware. To fall asleep in my arms. Finally be at peace. I thought he was too young to understand, but he knew—his eyes stared at me with a soul far too old for this world. He knew what I was doing. He smiled and said, ‘It’s okay. I want this. I love you, Papa.’ Those were his last words to me.”

  My chest caved, ice cultivating around my ribs. He had talked about killing his son, but I had been too afraid to push him for details. This was no murder, but the most self-sacrificing act a father could have done for his son. I couldn’t imagine the strength it would have taken to do that. The heartbreak, guilt, self-hatred, torment, and grief you felt from making that choice.

  “Belle’s belief and love in me washed away in utter heartbreak when Jessica told her what I did. The utter disbelief and abhorrence in her eyes as I watched her die. And I deserved it.” He lowered his voice, self-loathing shooting out at me. “I do not deserve to feel anything but their grief, hatred, and agony…” He heaved in air, his lids closing for a moment. “And you… you…”

  Pinpricks of emotion stabbed at my throat and eyes like a voodoo doll.

  “I’ve been weak, let myself feel… believe. To want more.”

  “You think you don’t deserve happiness?” I shook my head. “That’s bullshit. You think Tim or Belle wouldn’t want you to live your life? To be happy?”

  “They were both so good. So pure. They would, but it doesn’t mean I deserve it, Ms. Liddell.”

  “What happened? Why do you think you failed them? Tim didn’t want to be in such pain anymore. You did the most selfless thing for him.” I tried to grab for his hands, but he yanked them away. “And you didn’t kill Belle. Jessica did.”

  “Technically.” He nodded. “But I sacrificed her life to protect Tim… and I killed him anyway.”

  Darkness coated him like a cloak.

  “The queen found our group’s hiding place, our location betrayed by someone we trusted. Belle was home with Tim, who was fighting pneumonia again. I ran back to get them; Blitzen was already there. While he broke in the front, I snuck through the back, getting Tim from his bedroom.” A guttural noise bumped up his throat. “I slipped out with him. Didn’t fight for her. I completely tossed her to the wolves, knowing she wasn’t strong enough, but all I could think was to get our sick son to safety.”

  “I’m sure she would have wanted you to do exactly that.”

  He dipped his head forward, his hands going to his hips.

  “Doesn’t make it better. And taking Tim outside with no medicine was the kiss of death for him.” Scrooge’s shoulders shuddered. “We were hiding in a cave. My wife and all my friends were captured and taken to the queen. I knew our time was limited before Blitzen tracked me down. If we were found… Jessica would torture Tim and use him to seek her revenge on me as she used him on earth, keeping me as a pet to kill and destroy others like I had before.” His head rotated to the side, air struggling in his lungs. “We all knew his end was coming sooner than we wanted. He couldn’t even get out of bed anymore, his energy practically zilch.”

  “You said he was born that way?”

  Scrooge nodded. “We think it’s because I was from earth and Belle was from here. He was born... fragile. His DNA from both of us tore him apart, his body not fitting into either world.” His voice wobbled, fighting back his emotion. “I dropped pure holly poison into his cup, and he drank. His fevered cheeks and huge blue eyes stared into mine, his little hand in mine… then with a shuddered exhale… my entire world slipped from me.”

  A tear slipped down my cheek; every declaration pierced my heart.

  “It wasn’t long before Blitzen found me and dragged me back to the castle, where I watched my friends being tortured and my wife murdered.”

  “Damn,” I whispered, wanting so badly to comfort him but knew by his tense body he didn’t want me to touch him. To hear the full story of his wife and kid broke my heart. And even more because he had to give his son up again. Real or not, that had to be so unbelievably painful. “I am so sorry.”

  “I don’t deserve your fuckin’ pity.” He roughly wiped at the tear on my cheek like it disgusted him to see any grief on display for him. Twisting away from me, he snapped up Santa’s soul.

  “It’s not pity,” I exclaimed. “It’s heartbreak for you. I can’t imagine the choices you were faced with at the time, knowing no matter what, you would lose people. You did the best within the circumstances. No one could have done better. You can’t blame yourself. You had no choice.”

  “There is always a choice.” He stopped, glancing over his shoulder at me, rage lining his face. “Always. And I made all the bad ones. But ask me if I had the chance to do it over, would I save my son and wife or Hare, Pen, Dee, and Dum?” He rubbed at the back of his neck, not able to stay in one place. “What kind of person am I either way?”

  “There is no right or wrong here. You saved Hare, Pen, and the twins. Their lives are important.”

  “But for what? A war is coming,” he spat. “Did I save them to die painfully another way? And this time, I can too.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Jessica’s curse broke when I went back to earth. I can feel it—I can die now—like I wanted for so long.”

  A puff of air stuck in my throat, another tear trickling down my face.

  “And now?” He snorted derisively, his gaze moving up and down me. “The. Fucking. Irony.”

  “Irony?”

  “I loved my wife…” He tapered off like he was going to continue but stopped.

  “I know.”

  “No.” His gaze went over me again, and for a split second longing and pain crossed his features before they were gone. Shaking his head, he uttered, “You don’t. You don’t get it all, Ms. Liddell.”

  He turned around and stomped away, leaving me gutted and dejected. Even though we escaped, the Land of the Lost and Broken took him from me anyway, the thing I never truly had but had become part of my soul just the same.

  Warm lights glowed on the snow from the front windows, smoke billowing from the chimney as we came over the final hill. Seeing the cabin had tears forming behind my lids. Relief and happiness rushed adrenaline into my veins.

  Scrooge and I had stayed quiet the rest of the journey back, which felt more torturous than what Jessica did to me. Whatever memories from the past had settled into his head telling him vicious things about himself would not let me break through.

  “We made it.” I peered over at him; his eyes locked on the cottage.

  Right then, the front door tore open, and Dum, Dee, and Penguin ran out giggling, Hare right behind them wearing the frilly apron, a spatula in his hand.

  “I swear to Santa… I’m going to count to five.” Hare shook the spatula at them. “You think you’ve seen me mad before… you’ve seen nothing yet. I’ll give you something to cry about.”

  My hand came up to my mouth covering a snort. The warmness at seeing them filled my chest, rubbing around like a cat, happiness stabbing at my eyes.

  “You are giving me gray hair, and I’m already white,” Hare yelled at the three. Penguin only giggled and fell into the snow, making snow angels, while Dee and Dum ran circles around him, bumping and crashing into each other, laughing.

  “There is not enough mead in the world to deal with you three.”

  “Think we need to save him.” A small grin hinted on Scrooge’s mouth, his eyes doused with love and affection for his family.

  “I don’t know, this is pretty entertaining.”

  Scrooge looked over at me, letting his wall slip for a moment. “And they call me the cruel one.”

  “No, they call you the greedy, tight-ass Mr. Scrooge.”

  His irises flared, but he quickly jerked his head away, starting for the cabin. Scrambling, I caught up with him, stepping out in front.

  “Don’t make me come over there and separate you guys,” I yelled in false anger, jerking all
their heads in our directions. “Just wait until your father comes home.”

  Right then Scrooge stepped around me, folding his arms. A pissed-off father ready to knock heads together.

  “Kiss my cream-covered pretzel rods.” Hare’s mouth fell open, whispering, “You’re alive.”

  There was another beat when Dee squealed.

  “Scrooge! Alice!” She darted for us, leaping into Scrooge’s arms first. He dropped the box as her little arms wound around his neck, holding him tight. “You’re okay! You’ve alive! Oh my tinsel, I’ve missed you so much.”

  “Missed you too.” He squeezed her tightly back, lifting her off the ground, tucking his head into her hair. “You have no idea.”

  “Ms. Alice! Mr. Scrooge!” Penguin waddled for me, his flippers flapping up and down frantically. I scooped him up, his beak nuzzling me. “I wrote to Santa to bring you guys back to us. He got my letter.”

  Dum tackle-hugged my legs, forcing me to stumble back, before he moved to Scrooge, burying his face in his pants, a little sob heaving out of his nose. Scrooge rubbed his back, still holding on to his sister.

  Dee lifted her tear-streaked face, reaching for me, Scrooge and I switching Penguin for Dee.

  “We were so scared. Hare wouldn’t tell us where you went. Don’t ever leave us again, Ms. Alice.” Dee sniffed in my ear, leaning back to stare into my eyes. “Promise.”

  “I can’t promise that.” I tugged on her braid. It was so good to see her vibrant and healthy again. The idea of her not being here among our greeters tore at my gut. “But I do promise I will try, okay?”

  She nodded, wiping her eyes as I set her down. Sometimes she seemed like an ancient lady trapped in a little girl’s body, then other times she seemed every bit the little girl you saw.