Twisted Love (Blinded Love Series Book 3) Page 21

  Joey stirred on his feet, not meeting my eyes when I scanned him, his figure the farthest away. He was a follower, but I believed he only raped me from behind because then he could pretend I was a guy.

  “What the fuck?” Jordy hissed, his hands squeezing my arms with painful force.

  “What?” I pushed into Jordy’s hold. “I’m not that tease you used to know. You guys woke something in me. Now I want it... All the time.” I felt the awful truth in my words. They had awakened something in me—a need for control. Having sex with a lot of people, with no strings, was how I controlled my world. No feelings. No declarations of love. No attachments.

  Simple. Clean.

  “I heard.” Jordy tipped his head down and stared at me. “Heard you’re screwing women now…if we’d known you were into that, we would have added some to the party.”

  His words brought a truth to the surface I’d never looked at. Chris hinted at it, but I had ignored his insinuation. I couldn’t say I wasn’t always curious, but I only started experimenting with women after my assault, like maybe I was seeking a comfort and safety I couldn’t get from men.

  It took me awhile to start having sex with guys again. By then I had locked down my rules. My safety nets.

  “Not too late to start. Let’s go find another pair of tits to add to our fun.” I used all my strength, and pushed forward until Jordy backed up, his hands dropping from me. My arms were finally free.

  “Who knew little Stevie Colvin was kinky as fuck?” Kyle rubbed his hands together, as though liking the idea. “What else are you into?”

  The rest of them stared at me, as though befuddled and unsure what to do now. Deep disgust coiled in my stomach—it had taken me being drugged and helpless to make them feel like “real men,” while this willing and forward version of me had them squirming and unsure.

  I wanted them to hurt. To take everything from them that they took from me. Sadly, everything still centered around men. Women were “asking for it.” The temptress. Seductress. She was drunk or wore something she shouldn’t. Instead of teaching men to respect women, at an early age, schools were sending girls home for wearing something that might “provoke” the boys… “distract” them. We taught boys to think they had no control over themselves so it was a girl’s fault if she was assaulted, not theirs. This world was sick and twisted and what really got me was how many women shared this notion.

  Even in this so-called modern world, what was my word against a popular band? They would bring up my promiscuity. Not that they raped and beat me. My character would be dragged over the coals.

  Mario inched up on my right, along with Kyle. “Guess it’s time to find out.”

  Fear clawed up my throat as his chest brushed my bare arm. He leaned in and sniffed my hair.

  Stay calm, I repeated to myself over and over.

  “Sounds fun.” I slid my hand into the small bag on my shoulder, my fingers curling around an item.

  “Girl, I’m going to show you how much fun I can be.” Mario pressed in closer, grabbing my arm, as if he knew what I was doing.

  “Stevie?” Maxine’s voice echoed down the passage, fluttering my heart up into my throat. “Where the fuck are you?”

  Their heads swung down the alley toward the call, giving me a moment. It was all I had.

  I yanked my arm out of my bag, pepper spray primed in my hand. A New York girl didn’t go anywhere without it. I pointed it at Mario first, sweeping in an arch over the men’s faces, not relenting as the liquid burned into each one.

  “Ffffffuck!” Jordy screamed, stumbling back, falling to the ground, his hand going to his eyes. Mario, Leo, Joey, and Kyle also stumbled back, each screaming in pain. I hated them all, but it was Jordy whose assault had cut the deepest, fooled by his false words and the romantic lyrics he said were about me. It was all an act, one he probably did to every unsuspecting girl he could at school. I didn’t want to think how many others he’d assaulted. The things they said, the way they used me, I knew I wasn’t the first. And Jordy was the bait, catching his prey in his shiny web like a fly.

  I stomped up to him, droplets of the spray burning my hand and eyes as I sprayed more on him. Then I pulled back my foot and sent my pointed boot smashing into his dick. A blood-curling scream tore from his mouth.

  “You sick fuck. You think raping women makes you some big man? Jesus, all of you couldn’t be more vile and pathetic. But you probably know that, that’s why you do it. To hide your disgusting, black souls. You must know how worthless and revolting you truly are.” I stepped up to Jordy, picking up my leg. “This is to show you monsters didn’t break me. I just came back stronger. And I want you to know it was me who did this to you. Making sure you never do it again.” My heel slammed down on his crotch again and, with all the force I could muster, I dug and twisted, hearing the unnerving sounds of tissue crushing under my boot, hoping I was doing permanent damage. Their howls of sheer agony sounded like music to me. “Now you might be able to hit those higher notes.” I spat on him.

  I wanted to hurt all of them, but I knew pepper spray only gave me limited time. Jordy would be the cautionary tale. Make them think twice about doing it again.

  Whirling around I strutted toward the exit, where I found Maxine standing with eyes wide and mouth open.

  “I’m over this reunion.” I walked past her, my chin held high. “All caught up with everyone now.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Four blocks.

  That was how far I made it before the reality of what just happened and my past collided in a head-on.

  “Stevie?” Maxine yelled after me the entire time, trying to keep up with me. “Stevie, talk to me!”

  I took ten more steps before the wall crashed down on me. I stared at the sidewalk, no longer seeing anything, my lungs burning, the world tipping on its side.

  “Stevie!” Her cry sounded like it came from the end of a tunnel as I collapsed on the steps of a brownstone, gripping the railing as if it were all that kept me attached to the earth.

  “Hey. You’re okay.” Maxine bent down in front of me, brushing back my hair. “It’s all right.”

  A sob choked my throat. Okay? Maybe tonight, but I was a long way from being all right.

  “What did those assholes do? Did they hurt you? Crap! Just think if I hadn’t come looking for you.” She tilted her head, concern softening her dark eyes. “I always hated them. They walked around like they were kings, and we should bow at their feet for simply being in their presence. Kyle and Mario used to tease me the most at school. Called me names.”

  “Maxie, I-I...” I stumbled over my words, still not ready to open up completely. I adored Maxine, but there were only two people I wanted to talk to and one of them might never be able to talk to me again. “I will tell you everything. I promise. I just can’t tonight.” My body trembled, the adrenaline wearing off fast, and all I wanted to do was be home. In my bed. Safe.

  She stared at me for a long time; I could feel her pull back a few layers, seeing there was more behind tonight. Gripping my hand, she nodded. “Okay. But know I am here for you. I always have been, and I will always be. You are one of my people. Whatever you need from me. Anytime. You got that?”

  My teeth dug into my lip as I nodded. She and many others had been there for me, but I’d pushed them away. Scared to truly let people in. I knew Tristen and Andy would be sitting right here saying the same thing. I would try to be better, but right now, I wanted someone else. Someone who had seen more than I ever wanted him to, and who deserved this part of me before anyone.

  Maxine walked me to my apartment, hugged me tight, and got in a cab.

  Once in my apartment, I locked the door, my body trembling violently. It was muggy and hot, yet I couldn’t seem to get warm, wrapping up in my duvet. I held my cell in my palm, staring down at the number.

  With an inhale, my throat nearly closing on itself, I pushed the call button and put it to my ear.

  Second ring.
<
br />   “Stevie.” Her warm, familiar voice made tears prick at my eyes as the events of tonight rained down on me. “I’ve been calling and texting you!”

  I opened my mouth, but nothing came out of my mouth except a strangled noise. Guilt. Shame. For what happened to me. For what I did to Chris.

  “Whiskey…” Her name came out in a whispery sob.

  “What’s wrong?” Her tone went up, knowing something wasn’t right.

  “So. Much.” I could no longer fight the tears. “First…is he…is he…?”

  “He’s still in a coma.”

  Tears spilled down my face.

  “I am so sorry.” I choked on the disgust running through my body. From tonight. From what I had done to myself. To him…

  “Stevie, I won’t lie. I don’t understand how you could leave him like this. He needs you. Even if he’s technically not awake. No matter how scared you get, you stay for friends, for people you care about. You show up.”

  “I know.”

  She exhaled, her tone softening like she could sense something under. “What’s wrong?” She asked slowly. “I can’t see you, but I feel it in my gut. I can hear it in your voice, Stevie. Something’s very wrong.”

  Damn, this girl and her intuition. I felt like gauze around her. But for once it didn’t scare me or make me want to hide. As if she cracked me like an egg, I slid off my bed to the floor, sobs spilling from me, my demons pooling on the floor in icky goo. I wanted to forget every detail. Fear. Helplessness. Hatred. Humiliation. Pain. Heartache. Violation. Walking home then, hearing people laugh and walk by me with their friends, in their happy worlds and lives, while mine was twisted into an ugly blackness. Clinging to what was left of my clothes, trying to wrap myself away from the world. I shuffled to the dorm. Numb. Broken. Dead inside.

  My mouth opened and it all came pouring out between hiccupped sobs. I told her all about my crush on Jordy, the time we spent in songwriting class together, the connection I thought we had, my father’s death, the party…and the rape, some details no one needed to know, but I had no doubt she understood.

  “When I saw Jordy and his friends walk up to me tonight,” I had stopped crying, but my bones still trembled, the trauma I held back revisiting me like a ghost, “you know what I thought, besides fear and hatred?” I laid my head back on the bed. “That Jordy hadn’t destroyed me…because of him. That somehow this dead black thing started beating again… Fuck, Whiskey.” I clutched my chest, my voice going so quiet it barely sounded like words. “I love him. I love Chris.”

  “I know,” she responded, her voice scratchy as though she’d been crying.

  “And now I might lose him. I can’t. I can’t go through it again.”

  “Stevie. You’re too late for that. You have been for a while, probably from the moment you walked up to him at the scavenger hunt. You’re in this whether you are in New York or here. You love him. You think it’s going to hurt any less because you left? It doesn’t work like that. Believe me. Being in Italy when Hunter got into his last accident nearly killed me. And as much as I lied to myself, my feelings for him never went away, and I still hate that I listened to everyone and wasn’t there when he needed me. If you don’t show up, you’re going to hate yourself even more because you took the cowardly way out. That you weren’t here for him…no matter if he wakes up or not. I know you. You won’t forgive yourself, and you’ll shut down even more.”

  Wow. I already felt bare and exposed, and she tore off another layer. I should have been proud. When I met her, she was so focused on making others happy, she didn’t even know who she was. I loved seeing her come out of her shell. Become a strong person. But it was not as fun to have my own teachings turned back on me.

  “Plus, after what you just told me, I need you here. To hug you. Hold my friend.” She broke off, trying to choke back tears, though I heard her sorrow in every syllable. “Come back, Stevie.”

  I had known the moment I walked out of the bar earlier that was exactly what I was going to do.

  “I’ll be there tomorrow morning.”

  Sweat beaded on my forehead as I walked through the airport, my duffel bag aching my shoulder and banging against my hip. I felt like I was jogging through sand, getting nowhere and overheating with exertion. I took the first flight back, and connected to our town’s tiny airport after eleven a.m. in the tin can they called an airplane.

  Daylight from the exit doors ahead led me like a moth to light, knowing a car ride still lay between Chris and me. I could no longer hide from my coldblooded reaction to what was happening to Tarzan. Fear still lit me up, activated the old urge to run, but more of me wanted to be by his side.

  Whiskey said she’d be outside waiting for me, so I was confused by her name lighting up on my phone.

  “I’ll be outside in one second—”

  “Stevie—”

  “The plane here was of course delayed,” I continued.

  “Stevie.”

  “You right outside?” I picked up my pace. “I’m coming out now.” I pushed through the doors, stepping into the thick air, my gaze searching the pick-up spot for a red jeep. “Where are you?”

  “Stevie!” Jaymerson yelled, halting my feet, her tone ringing with alarm. My stomach dropped, as I stared out at the cars, fear weaving in my gut. “I’m not there…”

  “Why?” Dread burned down my neck through my shoulder blades, drying out my mouth.

  “It-it’s Chris.” Her voice quivered. “Something happened.”

  All the bustle and life around me went mute. My fingers dug into my cell, my head spinning as I waited for Jayme to end my world.

  Dead. The sheer fright of hearing that word dipped my shoulders, my hand clutching my stomach.

  “Wh-what?” Panic lit my voice on fire, scorching each vocal cord.

  “This morning he woke up.”

  “What?” I rasped, hopefulness bubbling around my ribs. “He’s awake? Oh my god, Whiskey, really?”

  “Ste-vie.”

  “Why didn’t you call me? Text me. Is he okay? The swelling went down? He remembers everything, right?”

  “Stevie, listen to me.”

  “I’ll grab an Uber and head straight over.”

  “Stop! Listen. To. Me,” she wailed, forcing me to suck in a deep gulp of air, the dread I was holding up with the bubbles of hope wobbled and cracked along the seams. “He’s not okay.”

  My hand flew to my chest, my esophagus shrinking onto itself. “What do you mean?”

  “He’s back in surgery. It’s serious. He woke up for only a few minutes before he started seizing…” She swallowed, choking back her tears. “There was bleeding on his brain.”

  Oxygen and words caught in throat, only a squeaking sound wiggled through, emotion strangling me, ripping my heart in two.

  “We got the call when you were in the air. Hunter and I came straight here. He went back in surgery twenty minutes ago. We don’t know anything else right now. But-but.” Jaymerson let out a sob, my world crashing around my ankles. “They said it wasn’t good… He might not make it, Stevie.”

  It was as if every lifeline had been cut, letting me fly off into space with no tether. My body wanted to sink to the ground and not get up again, but my heart was desperate to get there. Be near him some way, even if he never knew. But I would.

  I would also know I had walked away from him when he needed me the most. The guilt burned through my limbs as I clumsily hailed down a taxi. Anything that would take me to him now.

  “I’ll be there soon.” I hit the end button as a taxi pulled up to the curb. I scrambled in, telling the driver where to go. I stared out the window in a haze, watching the familiar scenery of the town I grew up in race by the window. It was the first time I really felt as if I were an outsider. Nothing seemed right. It had only been a few days since I last left, but the thought of Chris not being here made all attachment to this place fall away. Since my dad’s passing, Chris was the only reason it felt like home.r />
  Grief stabbed at my lids, a sob whirling around my heart. I couldn’t deny the terror flaring up like an old wound. Losing my father had sent me in a tailspin that was aggravated by the car accident and my assault. I had finally confessed to someone what happened to me, but still I had not told her everything. Telling Jayme was a step, but I knew I had a lot more to take to truly heal from what happened, especially since I never really let myself come to terms with it. I had to acknowledge what had happened to me and try to move on. I had no doubt now if I uncovered some of my skeletons, more would rise from the dead.

  The taxi drove up to the hospital. Tossing money at the driver, I scuttled out and ran for the entrance. The doors parted, and it felt like I was running back into a burning building, knowing I might not make it out this time.

  I had lost so much here.

  There was a probability the sexy Tarzan I had seen standing at the bonfire so many years ago, the light of the flames dancing off his face and hair, a cheeky smile lighting his eyes, the guy I had fallen in love with probably instantly, would never get to hear my apology. To hear that I loved him.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  My feet carried me down the hallways, a blur of cream-colored walls and floors, all so monotone and lifeless I felt I was in a vortex. Turning a corner, I spotted Jayme and Hunter sitting in chairs, her head on his shoulder. Her face was splotchy as if she’d been crying. Hunter’s expression was blank, like he had shut down. Jones, Doug, and Megan sat in chairs across from them, solemn and silent.

  My heart dribbled like a basketball. “Whiskey,” I whispered hoarsely, stepping up to them in the waiting room, my voice almost abandoning me.

  Jayme’s gaze darted to me, a fresh wave of sorrow washing over her. She jumped up, crashing into me, gripping me forcefully.

  I had cried a little since I talked to her the night before, but I had mostly shut my emotions so I could carry on and do what I needed to do to get back here. Now, with my friend’s arms and her love surrounding me, I felt the cracks splinter through my walls. A deep sob I wasn’t expecting surged from my chest. Her grip tightened on me.